What is the difference between snowmen and snow-women? Snowballs.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
My husband refuses to go to a nude beach with me… I think he’s just being clothes-minded!
Why does every cemetery have a fence? People are dying to get in.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
I used to go fishing with Skrillex. But he kept dropping the bass!
What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!
Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
I was walking through a quarry and I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!”
“Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi!
How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
I just found out that I’m color blind. The news came completely out of the green!
Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
I don’t care how much you love turkey, we don’t allow that kind of fowl language at the dinner table.
Why did the Pilgrims pants keep falling down? Because their belt buckles were on their hats.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards. Not this year though - I'm quitting cold turkey.
What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner? A har-vest.