What’s a turkey’s favorite Thanksgiving food? Nothing, they’re already stuffed.
If your great-grandmother saw you making boxed mashed potatoes, she would turn over in her gravy.
Why is there a turkey on comedy central? He’s obviously there for a roast.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!
Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!
The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!
My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? Congress! #GoVote
The slogan of the next presidential campaign: “We shall overcomb.”
Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.
Since Trump was elected, we all have toupée the price.
What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.
They should build the wall with Hillary's emails because nobody can get over them.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck? Spare ribs.
What do little ghouls and boys study in algegra? Pumpkin-pi.
What should you eat at a baseball game on Halloween? A frankenfurter.
Why wasn’t there any food left at the Halloween party? Everyone was goblin.
What do you call a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist.
Why are ghosts so happy when they’re in an elevator? It lifts their spirits.