What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"
To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
Why don't you iron 4-Leaf clovers? Because you don't want to press your luck.
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they're always a little short.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
What's the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
How do trees get online? They just log in.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.